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The Blanket of Pockets
Once upon a time there lived a little girl
With curly hair and a smile
And a wish for everyone to love her.
This little girl lived in a big house
Where it was usually kept very dark.
No sunshine had shown through dirty windows.
Other houses looked so beautiful to her.
There was no soot on their windows.
‘Why is there on mine’, asked herself.
Lots of people, lots of noises surrounded her everywhere.
There were few places the girl could find
Quiet and peacefulness, except in
Reading her books under a stairway.
On very few occasions the sun peeked
Out to shed a bit of light.
Over the soot filled walls was a little shadow of light.
And oh, even though the light was so small, the little girl
Would tuck it in her memory to be savored.
For love was to her beyond belief.
Nor could she treasure or keep this belief.
But, even in the midst of the darkest day
And dampest night,
The little girl could only pull on that
Glance of light she’d seen over the walls.
Pulling it close to her head to feel some love.
But the nights were cruel and cold.
The little girl grew colder and colder,
As the dampness soaked her bones.
As the wild wind whipped her face, she began to cry silently.
Her parents so busy in a world of their own,
They didn’t care her clothes were torn.
And she was afraid to tell them.
Might they get angry?
For, you see, she was very afraid of their anger.
Like many parents, they were very demanding,
And not the least bit sympathetic to the little girl’s needs.
For like many parents, they were,
Needy with their demands
Commanding that the little girl do this, do that.
Act this way, not that way.
Why they even demanded the little girl
To feel and think their way.
The little girl soon became aware that if she had a feeling,
The parents would say, “Hum, that’s all wrong!
You know nothing little one.”
They proceeded to tell her what they saw as right.
Her mother would shout, “Your just a little girl.
Of course, you can’t feel that way.
Why, it’s just your imagination.”
The little girl was soon confused.
And very, very afraid of the outer world
Was not what it seemed to be
According to her feelings,
Her perceptions and thoughts.
So quickly she learned that it
Wasn’t safe to tell people
What she saw, what she felt, and
What she knew to be true.
She began keeping it all inside.
The little girl discovered a lonelier place
As she faced the world around her.
Despite the loneliness inside her
She didn’t die
She fought to survive the dark world around her.
She found a tattered blanket of the right size,
For her little shaking body.
A blanket that had tattered pockets
In which she could hide under safely.
Underneath the blanket it was a warn and safe place.
One side dark blue, the other side red.
Wrapped in this tattered blanket, the little girl knew
she was safe.
The dark blue blanket disguised her feelings well
So that her parents didn’t punish her.
The little girl kept the tattered blanket a secret
Wrapping it around her body
To keep her warm from the evil around her.
The tattered blanket had big and little pockets.
All contained on the dark blue side.
Nobody but the little girl knew of the tattered
blanket.
And like all little girls, she would collect things
and hide them away
Until even she forgot about them.
When something made her unhappy,
A harsh word, a look of contempt, She stuffed it in one of her pockets
To keep it hidden from the outer world.
Or when she felt red of rage
Wanting to lash out and hurt those
Who hurt her, that too she’d
Take and stuff in a pocket.
Soon, the big and little pockets were filled.
When alone, the little girl created a playmate.
That only she knew she had.
To play with, to talk to in secret.
When around others, she’d put her playmate
In her pocket of the blanket for future use.
The little girl was quite clever because all on her own
She had her true feelings.
Only keeping them hidden from the outer world.
A long time passed, and the little girl soon began to grow
As all little girls do.
In time, she felt her stirrings of life –
Of creation
As buds began to bloom on the trees
After sleeping through the cold snow.
Yet no one –
Neither the mother, nor the father.
No one knew of all these new feelings stirring inside her.
The little girl learned to guard that too.
And hide in a deep, deep pocket herself.
No one knew of the stirrings inside her-
The creation of life.
All they knew was the sad little girl.
Known as the sad little girl,
She kept this as her name
So that everyone would know her.
Even as an adult
All lumpy inside with her stuffed blanket pockets
This little girl – as an adult
Was fraying at the edges of the blanket.
Then once there came a day after leaving her home.
She walked to the bathroom mirror and
Saw herself as the little sad girl.
Lately she’d found it hard to move,
More difficulty breathing, feeling smothered
And choking – feeling constricted tightly inside.
She looked back in the mirror to be sure
That ropes didn’t bind her wrists.
Soon everything began to press inside her
And frightened her very much.
In the mirror she saw how little she was
With her blanket by her side,
And how big she had grown.
How zippers could barely stay zipped.
How her sleeves were so long for her arms
Her hands never to be exposed.
Most of all, she saw how tightly the blanket was
wrapped around her.
Tight very tightly and secure.
It was so heavy; it slowed her down wearing it,
But she had quite forgotten the stuffed pockets
Crammed with this and crammed with that.
Now being the little girl of sadness
She had never taken the blanket off.
Yet hadn’t this been the very thing that saved her life.
In the time of bitter cold?
At first, she just wished the pain away,
The tightness of her chest cavity would disappear,
That somehow the blanket would enlarge itself.
The young woman was now very confused
Not knowing the difference in the reflections.
Still the woman of warmth spoke,
“It will take a long time
And you’ll need to know how to sew,
For inside the blanket of pockets are all
The pieces of your childhood,
So still in time, those forgotten times,
Just jammed deep, deep, deep down and closed forever –
The blanket of many pockets.
Carefully and with the most of ease,
You must look into these pockets,
Pull up the contents, remember them,
Give them your respect, for they are parts of you
Wanting to be honored.
Those parts were once useful until This Point,
This minute of time.
Now, you must take and sew into the blanket –
Into your blanket of being –
So the blanket of turns an array of light pastel
colors.”
But still the young woman was frightened and
Horrified by the words of the warm woman.
Because, at least, she KNEW THE BLANKET WELL.
Her parents, her boyfriend, her friends all knew her well
As the young woman of life and love,
Not of her childhood past. But she wasn’t one to show her feeling of her life.
The woman of warmth sensed her fright and began to speak of it.
“Yes, my dear, it is very scary to think that you
Can’t mend the fabric, unless the blanket is off
And set before you eyes.
Pockets and pockets standing lifeless
Had been forgotten by her a long time ago.
The woman of warmth told her the blankets
Heaviness came from carrying the blanket of many
pockets.
The young woman studied the warm woman closely and carefully
Wondering indeed if the warm woman was leading her astray
Or is she really knew of something to help the young woman
Over her sadness
That she had so tightly crammed into the blanket pockets.
Warily and cautiously the young woman asked,
“How do I get rid of this blanket of tiredness?”
She then studied the woman in uncertain disbelief.
It took forever for the warm woman to answer –
A thoughtful time.
The warm woman warned the young woman,
” It will take a bit of time to grow free of the heavy blanket.
It will take time to forget the fear.
It will take time to open the pockets carefully with love for each one.
Before the young woman, there was a little girl,
And the blanket had been just a mantle to cover her,
And keep out the bitter cold.”
The warm woman chided her,
“You look in the mirror, my young woman
And see for yourself the heaviness of the blanket.
I look in the same mirror and see the young woman – you,”
Giving her more room to cover up.
But, thinking and magically wishing –
Wishing didn’t take away the heaviness from inside her.
Finally she decided to just keep the pain
And for a very, very, very long time, she struggled with
The heaviness of the blanket
Until her shoulders could stand no more.
The blanket was so tightly wrapped around her
For it was a little girl’s blanket, and she had become a woman.
Doctors from faraway came and gave her drugs to kill the pain,
To let the little girl sleep.
But non-wanted to look beyond the darkness of the woman’s blanket
To the real problem underneath.
Finally, a woman of warmth told her that deep inside those blanket pockets
All stuffed were pieces and bits of the young woman’s childhood.
Black stones from the times of darkness,
Red pockets, so terribly red for the times of horror,
Old playmates from the time of childhood protectors of pain.
“You still fear the bitter cold,
You doubt today’s light and tomorrow’s quiet.
Many times you seek the night of sleeping before the anticipation of night.
There is much pain in remembering, but remembering this too:
It shall shed sunlight that is deep in the pockets, as well as sadness,
Playfulness and peace as well as anger,
Times of victory as well as evil people.”
The young woman listened, thinking of the words,
Filled of questions and confusion,
Wanting never to remember,
Wanting to remember,
Mostly feeling fear of these pockets
And what they each possessed within each one.
“How do I begin?
Where do I find an angel strong enough?
What will my blanket be like when we’re finished?
Will the angels guide and keep me safe throughout this journey?”
The woman of warmth smiled.
“The little girl is our beginning.
The little girl of sadness and the blankets full of pockets.
The little girl who lives under the blanket of time.”
We will together hold and rock her close.
We will together protect her and show her.
Her angel of today.
The little girl of sadness is you.
She is where we begin.
But the angel we use isn’t of a child’s doing.
The angel we use will be your angel of today as an adult,
Who has wings of gentleness and strength of life.
An angel who watches over us carefully
Under no one’s God but your own.
The courage and the strength are yours, deep with the pockets.
It’s of the strength and will of one whom survived.
Together we must honor that courage, you and I.”
The woman of warmth continued,
“The new blanket will be a slow time of making and shaping,
So full of new life and vibrance.
No longer so heavily weighed of dark secrets.
It will not be a blanket of the childhood
But a blanket of you today and for the future of your life.”
The young woman knew deep inside her,
When she was very, very, very little.
God had shown her the way to catch a piece of his light,
And put it so very close to her heart.
Yet, darkness felt to be weighing on her shoulder even heavier than before.
And yet the words of the woman of warmth that promised her life,
With it’s angel aglare
Filled with warmth and very little despair.
That young woman went to God and prayed,
“Let the angel of life and love watch and guide over me,
Filling me with courage and belief to stay alive
And come to a peaceful place at the end of my journey
Filled with a new look at life.”
by Robin
Survivor of sexual, emotional,
abuse. Poverty as well.
Written sometime in 1996
ANOTHER STEP
Each day is another step,
A struggle through,
All the horrific happenings.
That we were once victims of!
I hear my Inner Child’s cry.
The pain is a sound of,
A loud cry of a wild animal in pain.
She only knows of her heartaches.
She as a child endured.
Through her growing years,
To much pain, yet she still stayed sane!
God take my hand and guide me,
Guide me in this time of need.
Surround me with your light.
Show me God of what to do!
Yes, faith can help
But I have very little faith God.
My faith has been so mixed up,
In the little Child’s life!
She learned of two faiths,
And now fights to find,
The faith that is so truly righ
Is it you God or the true Satan?
Satan the one she knows,
Knows best of all to the little girls
Knowledge only he’s best known
God if you are stronger than Satan.
Lift up this little girl’s life.
Help her to understand
The difference of the words,
Words used to lift her up.
Give her strength,
Show her, her own worth.
Do not let this little girl die.
Die at the wished and power of Satan.
By Robin
September 7,1993
My Songs
I played a piano that was borrowed
From one who set it aside;
I played of hearts that sorrowed,
Of those who loved and died.
No one noted my playing
No one would lend an ear,
I played what all had be saying
And I played those tunes with tears.
Then one day the tunes were gone
My piano had disappeared I cried;
I couldn’t figure out where I went wrong-
Then I discovered my hands had died.
They want to hear my songs I’m told
But now my hands are stilled,
Yet inside my heart is singing
And I guess it always will.
by Seán
Memory
The crowded world I roll along
In the emptiness of a busy day;
Alone, unnoticed in the throng,
I try to make my way.
Of all the passing ones who go
Their ways, I heed almost everyone;
Yet, they don’t seem real to me, I only know
That she is gone.
Then in my quiet room, at night,
I half dream in my wheelchair,
With eyes closed to the shaded light-
She always comes to me there.
Comes like the sharp edge of that knife;
And all I knew of mother, son, and pain,
Together, in the silent hours of night,
I live the fear again.
by Seán
A smile today
Today I looked out side and saw a smile
There it was up in the sky bright as day looking at me
Today I said I will give it a try. Not a fake one a real try..
I looked at my children as they loaded into the car and smiled
Each of their face brightened a little more with the newness of the morning
light
All cause they saw a smile from a mom who was smiling a real smile.
This mom was glowing like the smile that warmed her heart and her face.
She kept the smile close to her all day afraid to let it go.
Cause if she let it go her world might turn back to the cold.
Though later the smile that warmed her covered with clouds she refused to
let it go.
Through the day the smile brightened her heart lightened. The world was
seen safe.
The mom she wondered when she was a child has she felt like this.
slowly memories of a happier day returned and the smile grew. She knew.
That there is still a bit of hope. Still away to cope..
maybe next time the world turns dark and the sun fades …
Maybe she will draw on that smile that was placed on her face that day..
maybe she won’t turn her world to the coldness, she will walk with boldness
and hold on to that sunshine and that ray of hope that held her throughout
the day..
That smile that brightened a childs already bright face.. A smile that
came from the sun as a gift to share with all.. A gift that became a gift
from within….
Though a gift from within.. not one to be held in.. This is a gift to
share.. There is a light.. Today it is a sun kissed smile.. a warmth of
the heart for all to see..
There is light beyond the darkness..
Candace- August 3,2001
A MOTHER BOWS ON BENT KNEE
A mother bows on bent knee.
To ask her God where justice be.
A tear of loss runs down her face.
Not knowing how to end this race.
Her babies gone, and changing fast.
Pure hell she feels..and it will it last?
She’s sad for them, it breaks her heart
To see them pain, and what’s her part?
Can it be stopped for babies sake
Or carry on…their will to take?
She holds on tight to God’s own hand.
And fights the way..to His Promised Land.
For the pain of loss will ever start
She struggles on, to find her part.
She bows again on bent knee
And waits.
by Mary Ann