© Dr. Amy Menna & Gift From Within
Rape. It is a powerful word for a power hungry act. It breeds fear and in many cases, it breeds
silence. It is important that this silence be broken, and survivors be heard. By doing so, we
break the grasp that rape has upon so many. The aftermath can be immense. The journey to
heal may be terrifying; the steps, long and tedious. By building a bridge of awareness and
empowerment, woman and men who have experienced rape can be healed and heard.
The journey to recovery starts with awareness. Awareness not only of what rape is, but the
repercussions that grow deep into the soil of someone’s soul. Rape may have the roots of
power, control, and fear. Yet cultivating the earth, empowerment grows. It is amazing what
survivors can do under nurturing conditions. It is our responsibility to cultivate the innate
wisdom that so many survivors have. It is equally important that we develop our own. Rape is
not an issue solely for survivors. It is an issue for everyone.
When someone takes something without someone’s consent it is theft. When someone crosses
sexual boundaries without consent, it is rape. Rape recovery starts with awareness of the
problem including the nature of the definition. In defining rape, we can deepen our awareness
of what is happening in our community and around the world. The definition of rape is the
beginning of healing; and the beginning of the definition is consent.
Consent:
- To give approval
- Capable, deliberate, and voluntary agreement
Sexual contact without consent is rape. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing, wearing,
or what has happened in the past. It is rape when someone disregards your will and
violates your sexual and physical boundaries. It is about assault, it is about power,
and it needs to be spoken about.
The term Date Rape was coined to describe non-consensual sexual contact between
two or more people on a “date.” This term, however, does not encompass what
many women and men experience. In fact, over 80% of survivors know their
assailant and may or may not be on a date. As such, this article will not only refer to
date rape, but will also include acquaintance rape. Doing so broadens the scope of
violence and more adequately portrays the problem.
Hannah was a freshman in college when she joined a sorority. Being in a sorority
meant she went to parties at the fraternities. One night, the fraternity had a party
with her sorority. She had a couple drinks but was certainly not drunk as she was
careful to not “let loose” in front of such a big audience.
Chris was a junior and belonged to the fraternity. He and Hannah have known each
other for a while and even flirted on some occasions. That night, he was paying her
a great deal of attention. She thought nothing of it. Although he was a nice guy, she
wasn’t that attracted to him. Around midnight the party was still going and Chris
had asked Hannah if she would come back to his room because he wanted to “show
her something.” Out of curiosity, Hannah agreed.
As they entered the room, Chris leaned over to kiss her. At first she was surprised,
and tentatively responded. For a brief moment she kissed him before pulling away
and suggesting that they go back to the party. At that point he tried to kiss her
again. She said “no” but he pushed her on the bed anyway. He then proceeded to rip
off her underwear and rape her.
After he was done, he threw her underwear back at her and said “I’ll see you
downstairs.” After about an hour, Hannah got up, went downstairs and walked
straight out of the party. Everyone was so caught up in a drinking game so they
didn’t even notice her leave.
She went back to her dorm room. After a few hours, the physical pain between her
legs didn’t go away. She finally realized she needed to go to the hospital. While
there, she denied rape counseling, a rape kit, or any involvement with the police.
Hannah was raped so violently that she was still bleeding. In fact, they had to use
forceps to get the tampon out which was lodged inside of her. After a few hours at
the hospital, she went back to her dorm room.
The next day, she contemplated telling someone but was afraid no one would
believe her or they would blame her because she had a couple drinks. Chris was
well known and liked as he was the president of the fraternity. It would be her word
against his.
After a few days, she began to wonder about “her part” in what happened. She
started to tell herself that it wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t gone with him.
Nor did she think it would have happened if she hadn’t entertained his kisses, even if
only a few seconds. She then rationalized to herself that it wasn’t “that bad” and
maybe she was over reacting.
DEFINING YOUR EXPERIENCE
Many survivors, like Hannah, fear that they will not be believed if they say they
were raped. In Hannah’s case, there was prior sexual contact. However, she had put
up the boundary and said “no” numerous times. Sexual violation of boundaries
beyond the word “no” is rape. Many survivors believe that they are at fault for going
somewhere with the assailant or being intoxicated. All these thoughts clutter the
survivor’s mind and can ultimately influence her view as to whether or not she had
been raped.
Each sexual assault is unique. This is also true about how rape or sexual assault is
defined. There are many differences among survivors and their definition of rape.
This leaves many individuals to deny their experience. Many do not “count it” as
rape because it did not fit certain predetermined definitions.
Rape has been defined primarily by lack of consent. However, there are numerous
other aspects in defining rape. Some individuals focus on the physical aspect or
violation, others focus on the mental anguish that goes along with it. Words
associated with it may be different (i.e. power, control, anger, aggression), yet the
idea behind them is the same. Rape is an intrusive act upon one’s physical and
sexual boundaries. Therefore, any sexual contact without consent is rape.
Rape is portrayed on television that most sexual assaults involve a great deal of
violence. Some survivors believe that their experience was not rape because it
excluded some perceived key elements such as a weapon or further physical abuse.
Rape may not include physical violence, a weapon, or a stranger. In fact, many of
them do not.
MYTHS ABOUT ACQUAINTANCE RAPE
Hannah had her doubts as to whether or not it was really rape because she had a
few drinks, went with him voluntarily, and kissed him. These thoughts lead her away
from calling her experience rape and instead just blamed herself for “putting
herself” in a dangerous situation.
There are certain myths about acquaintance rape that perpetuate the blame being
placed on the survivor. Hannah denied her experience because she believed myths
about rape such as she was responsible because she went with him to his room. In
addition, she believed that because she kissed him, she must have “led him on.” In
many cases, to move from victim to survivor one must debunk these myths and
attribute the blame where it belongs.
Below are some additional myths about rape.
- A woman who was raped by an acquaintance should
have known better than to agree to go to some secluded
place.
FACT: Many rapists portray a “gentleman’s demeanor.”
They may be charming and attentive. As such, rape is
unpredictable - If a woman or man is under the influence of alcohol,
she or he can still give consent.
FACT: If you are under the influence of any drug or
alcohol, you are not able to give consent. Alcohol and
drug use are never an excuse for someone violating
boundaries. - Certain behaviors such as dressing a certain way makes
someone partially responsible.
FACT: It does not matter what an individual wears or
what their behavior was prior to the assault. Lack of
consent is lack of consent no matter what someone is
doing or wearing.
- Rape is only committed by strangers in dark alleys and
parking lots.
FACT: More than 80 percent of women are raped by
someone they know including friends, family, or an
acquaintance. - It’s not rape if you have had sex with the individual
before.
FACT: Prior sexual contact is not a substitute for
consent. This is often seen in marital rape. Just because
there was consent in the past, does not mean there is
consent in the present. - If an individual agree to “make out” with someone they
contributed to the rape.
FACT: At any time, an individual can withdraw from
sexual contact and retract consent. - Only women are raped.
FACT: About 10% of survivors are male. Males can be
raped by either men or woman.
DATE RAPE DRUGS
Maggie was excited to go out with her friends to a rave on Saturday night. They had
been there around an hour when a man named George, whom she had never met,
offered to buy her a drink. As she was sitting at a table with her friends, George
said that he could go to the bar and get it.
George returned with two fruity drinks and handed one to Maggie. At that point, the
three people at her table decided they wanted to dance. George asked Maggie to
stay with him and finish their drinks. Maggie agreed and took a sip of her drink. A
short time later, she felt as if she was drunk. She’d only had one drink prior meeting
George, so she blamed the feeling to being drunk on that she had an empty stomach
or the bartender making the drinks extra strong.
This is the last memory that Maggie had. The next night, she found herself in her
bed with her clothes off. She saw condom wrappers on the night stand. She feared
that she must have had sex with someone but she didn’t remember anything. She felt
sore but couldn’t attribute it to anything she remembered.
Maggie attributed her behavior to being drunk and blacking out although she’d
never done that before. She called a friend who was with her that night hoping to
get some details. Her friend answered the phone in a jovial tone saying that Maggie
must have had a “good night.” Without wanting to admit what had happened, she
allowed her friend to continue. “George seemed like a really nice guy. I didn’t know
where you went; did he give you a ride home?”
Maggie responded, “yes…I gotta run.” It never crossed her mind that she could have
been drugged. In reality, George had slipped GHB into her drink.
Date rape with the use of drugs is also known as “drug facilitated sexual assault.” It
is especially common among college students. Rapes that include “date rape drugs”
render an individual incapable of giving consent. Some common date rape drugs are
Rohypnol, GHB, and Ketamine. All three of which may erase memories of the
events that transpired while under the influences of the drug.
These are also commonly called “club drugs” because they are often used at dance
clubs, concerts, and raves. They have little taste or color therefore they are easily
slipped into someone’s drink. These drugs act quickly (15-30 minutes) and can
render an individual either totally unconscious or even immobile without any
memory. When one is drugged, a person may act as if she or he is drunk. This
allows the assailant to lure the individual into the car, out of the club, etc. As there
may be no memories, some sexual assaults are only recognized due to physical
trauma. It is common for survivors to believe that they “blacked out” without
knowing they were under the influence of a drug.
Alcohol is commonly used to help commit sexual assault. Often it brings up the
question of consent. When someone is intoxicated, just as the with the other date
rape drugs, they are unable to give consent.
EFFECTS OF DATE RAPE
A month after the party, Hannah continued to feel extremely anxious. What made
matters worse is that Chris was in several of her classes so she saw him regularly.
He actually went out of his way to smile at her and chat with her as if nothing
happened. When she was in his class, she would “check out.” Her mind would
wander and at one point, she was sitting in her class and missed the entire lecture.
The only thing that brought her back to the room was the moment people began
getting out of their seats and leaving.
Hannah became very depressed and couldn’t stop thinking about what had
happened. She continued to have flashbacks to that night and her body felt like it
was happening again. Her anxiety was out of control. She was barely able to
concentrate on her school work and her grades were dropping rapidly. She had
dropped out of her sorority using the excuse that she had to focus more on school.
In reality, she felt she could not trust them as she thought on some level that they
knew what happened. In addition, she was embarrassed because she was sure that
Chris had told his fraternity brothers that he had sex with her. Hannah assumed
that her sorority sisters knew what had happened and now considered herself to be
a “slut.”
After another month, Hannah’s anxiety was so bad that she dropped out of school.
Reality was that in addition to the poor grades, it was too much for her to walk by
the fraternity house and see Chris on a regular basis. After she left school, she
never talked to her sorority sisters again.
The effects of date rape include a broad range of symptoms including leaving the
survivor feeling “tainted” or “bad” in some way. As in Hannah’s case, she felt dirty
and assumed everyone thought she was a “slut.” Rape hits survivors at their core
and instills a belief that they are somehow to blame. They feel as if the rape had
something to do with their own behaviors. Without putting the responsibility on the
assailant, survivors continue to blame themselves.
One symptom in particular is shaken trust. Having known their assailant, many
survivors have great difficulty with trusting others. Survivors feel “on guard” with
acquaintances they once trusted.
In addition to trust issues, rape survivors are 3 times more likely to suffer from
depression. For many, depression goes untreated or undertreated for years. Because
depression is somewhat a common condition, survivors may not make the
correlation between the assault and their feelings afterwards. This depression can
manifest for years until the survivor is adequately treated for both the depression
and the rape.
Survivors are 6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder
(PTSD). PTSD can be recognized with three different categories of symptoms. It
starts with intrusive symptoms. Intrusive symptoms literally “intrude” a survivor’s
life. Survivors are often reminded of the rape when they don’t intend to think about
it. Some say the memories come “out of the blue.” Intrusive symptoms may take the
form of flashbacks, dreams, smells, or other bodily sensations.
These intrusive symptoms produce a great deal of anxiety as survivors never know
when the next flashback or sensation will occur. This anticipation and discomfort
leads to arousal symptoms. These symptoms keep the survivor in a continuous state
of high alert for potential danger. Hypervigilence is fueled by the feeling that the
world is not safe both externally and internally. Survivor’s bodies often respond to
reminders of the rape as if it is happening in the present. This is to ensure that the
acts or feelings associated with the rape alert the survivor of danger. Survivors may
know in their “mind” that the rape was in the past, but the body, having no sense of
time, responds as if it is happening in the present.
This heightened state of arousal leads to avoidance symptoms. In Hannah’s case, she
“checked out” when reminded of the rape. This is known as dissociation. Survivors
go to great lengths to protect themselves against flashbacks and other intrusive
symptoms. For some, withdrawing all together is the only means of escape.
Maggie had the idea that she had been raped but still blamed herself for drinking
too much. She was afraid to tell anyone because she thought they too would blame
her for what happened. Maggie had always been a light drinker but soon after the
rape, she began drinking a few glasses of wine at night just to “wind down” and to
sleep without having nightmares.
Alcohol helped reduce her anxiety. This anxiety, however, would not subside. A
month later she went to a psychiatrist who said that she probably had an anxiety
disorder and prescribed her Xanax (a prescriptions to help her relax). Maggie
didn’t tell the psychiatrist that she was drinking or about the rape. Soon after seeing
the psychiatrist, she began abusing the Xanax and drinking.
Maggie only drank wine since mixed drinks created flashbacks to that night she was
with George. It wasn’t long before she developed an addiction which progressed
quickly. She was drinking numerous drinks at night and it was getting to the point
where she was drinking earlier in the day. She was missing work constantly and
often stayed in bed all day taking four Xanax instead of the prescribed two. When
she was extremely intoxicated, she even contemplated ending her life.
One way survivors try and avoid symptoms is by drinking or taking drugs.
Survivors are 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol and 26 times more likely to
abuse drugs. They may find that drugs and alcohol are an escape from symptoms
associated with the rape. It may be the one thing that allows them to relax. This
misuse of substances often leads to addiction.
A world full of fear and feelings of being unsafe may cause survivors to
contemplate ending their life. Survivors are 4 times more likely to contemplate
suicide. Suicide may seem the only way to escape the symptoms of PTSD,
alcohol/drug dependence, or other symptoms associated with rape. In addition, some
survivors experience “passive suicidality.” For example, individuals may not
necessarily want to die, but may welcome an accident or something else that would
put them out of their misery.
RECOVERING FROM RAPE
After a year, Hannah’s mother suggested she go to counseling for her depression.
Hannah agreed and proceeded to find a counselor and tell her about her anxiety
and depression. She did not mention the rape. Hannah did not talk about the rape.
After all, the counselor never asked.
Hannah spent a few sessions getting to know the counselor. It was going relatively
well but Hannah continued to have flashbacks. Finally, Hannah took the initiative
and told her counselor of her symptoms and that she had been raped. From this, the
counselor explained how her present symptoms could be related to the rape.
Hannah talked a great deal about the rape. Shortly there after they started talking
about it, Hannah’s flashbacks started to go away.
Healing starts with talking about the assault. Without disclosing their struggles,
survivors limit the amount of help they can receive. Talking about the experience is
the recommendation of virtually every survivor. Without shedding light on their
experience, many survivors feel as if they remain isolated in the darkness of their
pain.
The suggestions below are not linear. They are about validating the experience of
rape and working through the symptoms associated with it. When Hannah began
talking about her experience, her counselor validated the fact that it was not her
fault.
These are just a few steps toward recovery. Undoubtedly there will be other steps
survivors will uncover as they continue on the journey. It is important that a
survivor is issued unconditional positive regard and that she is gentle with herself in
recovery. Remember it is progress, not perfection.
It may be an extremely difficult path; one survivor’s may not want to take alone. It
is recommended that survivors have assistance in their recovery. It can be friends,
family, a trained counselor, or any other person whom the survivor deems to be
safe, trustworthy, and understanding. Although survivors may feel a great deal of
isolation, it is important to know that they are not alone. Remember that this is a
process where the survivor needs support and guidance.
Take these experiences as suggestions instead of demands set in stone. This may be
a messy process, survivors may feel better at times, and worse at other times. This
may be an introduction to recovery or enhancing the progress of recovery survivors
have achieved in the past.
- Get a support system in place. Survivor’s need a strong
support system in order to work through rape.
However, they should be selective in the process.
Survivors need someone who is understanding and
nonjudgmental. The idea here is to feel safe. Support
can also come from Internet support groups and
different websites available to assist survivors of rape. - Get a counselor. Although this may not be feasible, it is
important that survivors have professional support.
There are at least two litmus tests to see if the
counselor is a good match. The two components are
training and “chemistry.” The counselor should have
experience treating trauma. If a survivor is somewhat
comfortable, she may want to make an appointment.
Survivors shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions either on
the phone or in the session. It may take a few sessions,
and they may not be 100% comfortable with any
counselor. - Identify strengths to build on: It important to know
what the survivor is doing right or she will focus on
what she’s doing wrong. Survivors should be mindful
of their assets. It is helpful to write them down and
place them on the mirror, refrigerator, anywhere they
can be seen on a regular basis. Knowing the strengths
to build upon will create the very foundation needed to
work through the experience with rape. - Identify ways to self-sooth. Anxiety and depression
may be side effects of working through the
ramifications of rape. Part of the foundation of
recovery is to be able to soothe yourself when you are
feeling anxious or just “out of sorts.” This can be
difficult for survivors as they may feel that they are
amidst a life under fire. This may not be easy, but it is
important that they cultivate skills that are calming and
can bring them back to center. Without these, the
anxiety may pile up and the depression may become
greater.
It is important that they are able to find relief in
something healthy. Drugs and alcohol will only
complicate matters. Self-soothing can involve
journaling, talking to a friend, going for a walk,
meditating, or anything else that is not hurtful to the
survivor or anyone else. Remember that the goal is to
have a healthy outlet which calms anxiety, depression,
and fear. - Finding your story. When survivors keep things to
themselves, they deny themselves help. This suggestion
is difficult as survivors have to face their fear and have
what may be the hardest conversation they will ever
have. Many survivors think that if they don’t talk about
it, it didn’t really happen. Suffering in silence is a
struggle. “I was raped” may be the most difficult
sentence they can utter. By voicing and validating their
experience, they can open up to what is ahead.
Although there may be things that they cannot
remember; memories may come as they continue on
this journey. Some may never come back. This is
normal. - Educate yourself on the topic of rape and related issues.
Knowledge is power. It allows survivors to identify
what happened and how it is affecting them. By
educating themselves on topics such as “Rape Trauma
Syndrome” or “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” they
will be empowered and will better understand their
symptoms. There are many excellent resources
regarding recovery. It is important that they know the
symptoms and aftermath of rape. Although every
survivor’s recovery is individual, finding common
ground may enhance their recovery as they realize they
are not alone. - Identifying the impact of the rape. Before and after the
rape, survivors may have certain thoughts, behaviors,
or feelings. These may have changed as a result of the
rape. For example, survivors may have had higher selfesteem prior to the rape and now they struggle with
positive feelings about themselves. Survivors may be
more depressed, anxious, or fearful. Painting the
“before and after picture” will validate the impact of
the rape. In addition, it shows survivors areas they want
to strengthen. - Assign responsibility. Rape is the responsibility of the
assailant. It doesn’t matter what the survivor was doing,
wearing, drinking or what has transpired in the past.
Rape happens as a result of the behavior of the
assailant. It is NEVER the survivor’s fault. Being angry
with themselves is a difficult place to be. Survivors
need to listen to people when they validate them and
their experience. Survivors need to hear those words
and take them to heart. - Identify triggers. There are triggers that may remind
survivors of the rape and creates feelings as if it is
happening all over again. Getting triggered is typically
a result of intrusive symptoms. We saw this in Hannah
as she saw the fraternity house where the rape
happened. This step may also be difficult as it asks
survivors to look at components of the rape. It does not
have to be an exhaustive list. In looking at where
survivors “buttons” are they can be prepared and stay in
the here and now. When survivors get triggered,
typically they move through the symptoms of PTSD.
Survivors may have anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or they
may feel as if they need to retreat by leaving the room
either physically or psychologically. Remember that to
get triggered is normal. - Get help with other concerns. It is not uncommon for
survivors to have problems that are not associated with
the assault. These include physical problems, yearly
check-ups, dentist, etc. It is very common for women to
neglect going to the gynecologist as it may be too
traumatic. It is important that survivors have a “wellrounded” recovery. In taking care of their health, they
may be better equipped to deal with additional stress. - Empower yourself. It is important that survivors
cultivate and regain their power. They may do so by
reaching out to others whom have had the same
experience, taking a self-defense class, or doing
something they have always wanted to do. Realize that
some fear is normal. It is important to lean into the
resistance and move through life intentionally.
ASSISTING RAPE SURVIVORS
Listen. It is the most important thing that a loved one can do with a survivor. Helping others
does not include having all the answers. Family and friends can help a survivor by educating
themselves and increasing their own awareness. We can all learn how to be effective helpers.
It is beneficial to bear witness to their healing process. It may be tough to know or hear
difficult things, but remember, the survivor is looking for safety. Create a non-judgmental
environment where the survivor is welcome to speak about any and all aspects of the rape. It
would also help to ask the survivor directly about what they need.
Playing a part in finding resources is also helpful but it is important to let the survivor lead. If
they are not ready for these resources, let them know what is available when they are.
Suggesting counseling is important when helping rape survivors. Many communities have
rape crisis organizations and services that cater to rape survivors. Remember that stepping out
of their comfort zone may be necessary but it may take time. Please be gentle and supportive
since it is important that a survivor maintain a feeling of safety. If the survivor is a student
there are counseling and psychological services available in most colleges and universities.
There are also groups and clubs on campus that can help the survivor feel supportive on their
healing journey.
CONCLUSION
Cultivating awareness is the first step in eradicating the heinous crime of rape. In doing so,
we offer support to survivors and construct a wall of prevention. In bringing rape to light, we
can end the darkness so many feel. Silence crumbles and voices build. May the expressions of
survivors be heard. May the people who love them stand up. May the world respond to this
growing problem. To wage a war is easy, to win it takes perseverance.
Amy Menna has a Ph.D. in Counselor Education and Supervision, is a Licensed Mental
Health Counselor, and Certified Addictions Professional. She has over 10 years of experience
treating survivors of sexual assault and has published on the topic of Rape Trauma
Syndrome, resiliency, and childhood sexual abuse. She is in private practice and lives in
Tampa, Florida. She is available by email at amymenna@aol.com.
HELPFUL RESOURCES
Websites:
Survivors of Rape- Reflections of Hope
Gift From Within- nonprofit organization for survivors of trauma – articles on sexual assault,
PTSD, recovery, Q&A on PTSD, poetry, art, inspirational stories, peer support.
RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network
Rape Treatment Center -911rape.org
SOAR Speaking Out Against Rape
Male sexual abuse, men with unwanted sexual experiences as boys – 1in6 Sidran Traumatic
Stress Foundation
Security On Campus, Inc.
Trauma Information Pages
Dart Center on Journalism and Trauma- Sexual Assault
Mental Health Links – Women, Violence and Trauma
Books:
I Never Called It Rape: The Ms. Report on Recognizing, Fighting, and Surviving Date and
Acquaintance Rape by Robin Warshaw
After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back by Nancy Venable Raine
Color Me Butterfly L. Y. Marlow
Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to
Control You. Patricia Evans
Surviving The Silence: Black Women’s Stories of Rape Charlotte Pierce-Baker
The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress
Symptoms Dr. Mary Beth Williams
Trauma & Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror.
Dr. Judith Herman
Additional Resources:
Book Reviews by Gift From Within Members on Trauma
Articles:
Rape Trauma Syndrome: The Journey to Healing Belongs to Everyone
Peaceful Heart: A Woman’s Journey of Healing After Rape
Posttraumatic Therapy
Partners with PTSD
How to Choose a Trauma Therapist: Therapy for Post-Traumatic Stress (PTSD) and
Dissociative Conditions