Reagan was five years old when she was sexually abused by her babysitter. Such an evil act at such a young age, she couldn’t help but to internalize it. Regan developed coping mechanisms or “habits” as her family called them, as a way of surviving. Curiosity about one’s body and exploring what brings about pleasurable feelings is a natural part of the development process. Many children who are sexually abused become obsessed with touching their genitals. This was true in Regan’s case. She felt humiliated when the kids at school would make fun of her for the self-soothing oddities she had developed. She tried to hide them but couldn’t, for her it was a matter of survival.

Reagan’s parents freely discussed and practiced their religious beliefs. They taught her how to say her prayers, to live by the Golden Rule, be a good girl and to always thank God for her blessings. She attended church regularly with her parents. They wanted her to learn of a loving God and to give her a strong spiritual foundation so that she may develop her own relationship with a Higher Power. What they did not know is that she already had one. By the time she could conceptualize God she would sit in church regularly, with her legs crossed, little cheeks cradled in her hands looking down at the carpet knowing in her core, “I’m evil...God knows I’m evil...and He hates me.”

As Reagan grew older she would mock her friends for going to church and would boast about her disbelief in God, even defend it. In reality, she knew that God did exist, He just hated her. She suffered from depression and had outbursts of rage. She had to be hospitalized on numerous occasions for suicide attempts. She felt different from those she saw take comfort in God. She felt different from everybody. She felt that a relationship with the God she learned about as a child was impossible.

Reagan saw others taking shelter in God and finding comfort knowing that there was a guiding Presence. To a survivor this is like asking them to take shelter in Someone who allowed them to be hurt and has not provided them with any safety or sanity since then. Many survivors suffer numerous problems as a result of the trauma. They have symptoms such as relational difficulties, self-harm behavior, depression, anxiety, and many others that can be as varied as the survivors themselves.

As we develop and grow, we are constantly learning about ourselves, our bodies, our families, the world and in many cases, God as he is presented to us through the eyes of our parents and the religion of their belief system. A basic tenant children learn is the difference between good and evil. Many children are unable to distinguish between being evil and having evil things happening to them. This is true especially in the case of childhood trauma.

Many survivors are unaware that trauma can cause a disconnection from various parts of their being. This disconnection happens as a defense mechanism. The brain puts the painful experience in a place that allows them to survive. This disconnection often includes disconnecting from their concept of a Higher Power, family members, friends, and often from themselves in a way to dismiss the abuse/trauma as not important enough to work through in the context of our complex world. There is nothing more painful or sickening to a trauma survivor than feeling the dark shame that lurks within them. In their mind, they become “damaged goods” unworthy of any great Entity’s love.

Many survivors of trauma become angry. Often the perpetrator of the abuse cannot be hated. Somehow survivors often rationalize the abuser’s part in the trauma and blame himself or herself or God for not protecting them. This disconnection causes many unanswered questions: “Where were You?” “Why didn’t You protect me?” or simply “Why me?”

It is this disconnection from oneself that ultimately results in the inability to access the God of the survivor’s understanding after the trauma. This disconnection often impedes a survivor’s healing. As in Reagan’s case, survivors may secretly envy those who have spirituality wishing they too had something to tap into. They may also long to feel worthy or “un-broken.” It seems impossible to connect God, Higher Power or Entity that is available only for others who are “good.”

For many survivors it will be important, if not imperative, to recapture their spirituality in order to aid in their healing. It is essential that they be given the permission to create a God of their understanding for where they are today in their lives and not the traumatized victim of the past. It is possible and even necessary to create a new spiritual connection; one that is based on love, acceptance and safety - not a God of judgment and harm. In Reagan’s situation, however, she did not know how to do this. In fact, she did not even know it was possible.

They never changed or dissipated; always reeking emotional havoc when triggered by fear. She had so many fears; she had become the master at hiding them. She should be, Regan was now a therapist and one of the best in helping survivors of trauma. She guided her clients through the dark waters she dare not even put her toe in. She had convinced herself throughout the years that as a child she must have misunderstood a gesture and then she tried to believe that whatever had happened wasn’t a “big enough deal” to talk about. There were years where she forgot about the abuse altogether, or so she thought. The stain never left her though as she constantly struggled through life with relationships, sexuality, and depression.

When her therapist asked about any spiritual beliefs, she finally admitted to lying to others about a connection with a Higher Power. Her secret was that she believed that her God still hated her and thought that she was evil. How could she draw from a Higher Power who hated her and wanted her dead? In essence, she had been faking a spiritual relationship while walking around in fear.

Regan chose to work diligently to define a God so that she could develop a spiritual connection. To do so, however, went against the grain of Christian thought that she was brought up with. God was created from the Bible; how could she create a Higher Power any other way? Reagan reconciled this in her mind by knowing that many individuals benefit from the God that was created by Christian thought. Knowing this, she was able to take some of the teachings she learned as a child and build on them in her journey.

Here is an outline of the steps Reagan took throughout her journey. Each individual has his or her own unique path, though certain steps are vital to reconnect with one’s Higher Power.

Here are the steps survivors can take in order to reconnect with his or her Higher Power: They are written directly for survivors therefore we will speak in first person.

• Be honest with yourself about what you remember
  
• Validate the effects the trauma had on your life
  
• Write a list of characteristics you want in a Higher Power
  
• Surround yourself with a loving and understanding presence with whom you can share your spiritual journey
  
• Recognize your Higher Power
  
• Communicate with your Higher Power

A note before you begin…
Never enter your trauma alone! Always have support. A trained therapist can teach you various methods of self-care, and self-soothing. It is important that you remain safe throughout this journey with the care and support you need. Take time to insure you have a safety net in place before embarking on any journey that leads deep within your trauma. Let your support system know that you are dealing with some difficult material and may need their help.

This could be as simple as asking a trusted friend to be available after a difficult journaling session during which some hard feelings may arise. It may be good to have a discussion with this friend after the exercise. It will be important to have a network of safe and loving friends from whom you can draw support.

The More Detailed Approach
STEP 1. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF ABOUT WHAT YOU REMEMBER. Some of you have never spoken or written about the trauma. Trauma survivors are excellent at repressing feelings and events. For example, Reagan did not deal with her feelings because she didn’t think it was a “big enough deal.”

Journaling Exercise:

• Write out what happened. As many details as you can remember at this time, i.e. what, where, when, who, what it felt like…anything you can remember.
  
• Write about what you did after the incident. Did you try to talk to someone? Did you hide? Pretend like nothing had happened? What was your response?

Journaling Exercise

• Write out a list of characteristics of a friend or someone you know whom you admire or feel safe with.
  
• Write out a list of characteristics of your new Higher Power. Say a small prayer similar to “Higher Power, I am trying to get to know you, tell me the characteristics you possess” and see what comes to mind.
  

Exercise

• Tell someone you trust that you need his or her help.
  
• Share some of your journaling exercises with this individual.
  
• Initiate a conversation on how they found spirituality.

Journaling Exercise

• Journal what it felt like to tell someone about what had happened and about spirituality.

Journaling Exercise

• Write out what your Higher Power looks like, feels like, smells like, and if it had something to say to you, what would it be?
  
• Recognize where in the world you see your Higher Power. It could be in a church, in the sea, in a child’s eyes. There are an infinite number of answers to this question. Go back to the characteristics and try and recognize them in the world. Write out a list. For example, one may hear their Higher Powers comfort as they listen to the waves of the ocean.

• Use symbolism – Find things in this world that signify your Higher Power – these can be things in the earth, you could draw pictures, it could be things around the house that are meaningful to you and hold spiritual energy.

Reagan found that she had a spiritual connection with other people so she would collect pictures of them to remind her that the Spirit does exist. She gathered things from the earth that she was drawn to such as rocks and bamboo from her backyard. She even bought things from stores with which she felt a spiritual connection.

Journaling Exercise

• Write a letter welcoming your Higher Power to your life, let Him, Her, or It know what you have been through. Ask your Higher Power for what you need.
  
• Write out a few prayers that you say daily. Type them up; draw a nice border around them. Create different prayers such as “Morning Prayer” or “Prayer for a Bad Day.” Be specific. If you are struggling with a specific issue, write a prayer about it. You may want to get a special journal just for writing to your Higher Power.
  
• Have a separate journal that you note when you recognize your Higher Power working in your life. You will find that you will write in it more and more as your relationship strengthens.

Reagan has created an alter in her home where she has a “safe” blanket (one that someone she was spiritually connected to made her), pictures, a crystal someone special had given her, a Tibetan bell, candles, and other items to which she feels spiritually connected. She goes to this place in her home to meditate and communicate with her Spirit. She created a ritual where she rings the bell, lights a candle, and does positive affirmations using mantra beads she had made.

Today Reagan has a Spirit that she can draw strength from and that she trusts. She feels worthy of Her love and knows that she is not evil. This is not to say that all of her struggles have vanished or that she doesn’t have her battles to face. Yet, today she has an added Power on her side for comfort and strength. She finds her rituals soothing and her alter is a safe place for her to go. It was a long difficult journey and it took some time for the relationship to build as with any relationship, but it was worth the wait.

A special thank you to Hyde Park Counseling Center for without them this article would not be possible. Thank you to Mimi for her editorial wisdom.

Amy Menna is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Addictions Professional and Certified Traumatologist. She is currently at the University of South Florida working on her PhD in Counselor Education. She also has a small private practice in Tampa, Florida. She can be contacted directly at amymenna@aol.com.